The Babymakers (2012) Jay Chandrasekhar


Production Budget: unknown
Gross: about $8,000

Audrey (Olivia Munn) and Tommy (Paul Schneider) want to have a child, but Tommy is having trouble with his sperm. In desperation, Tommy decides to rob a sperm bank where earlier in his life he made donations. Hilarity supposedly ensues.

You can almost see the desperation on Chandrasekhar’s voice as he pitches the movie. “Okay, okay, this is a bank heist film but get this: this isn’t an ordinary bank…this is a SPERM bank! Huh? Huh!?” But is this really a concept screaming for a movie? Let’s follow an infertile couple disintegrate into madness over something that is not such a big deal. Oh, the hilarity! Now I’ve said before that anything could be made funny given the right person. The Babymakers is an example of someone taking an initially bad concept and making it one of the most annoying films of the year.

The first thing to strike you is the laziness of the humor. If I told you that you were making a raunchy comedy involving a sperm bank couldn’t you already have the majority of the jokes visualized? There is going to be a lot of sperm flying around and a lot of jerking off. That is to be expected but the writers do nothing else with the humor.

Couple that with the fact they jackhammer a joke until they hit the Earth’s core. For example, in breaking into the sperm bank one of the character’s naturally get sperm on him. But he doesn’t just get a little sperm stuck to him. First he gets some on, then he flops around, then he knocks over a whole rack on him, then he flops around more, then he gets some in his mouth, then he swims in it, and it feels like this goes on for 10 minutes. We get it, jizz is icky. Can we move on?

In a comedy you have situations obviously exaggerated for comedy value. But in Babymakers, we linger so much on things that you get pissed off with the characters and the motivations. We actually have to spend the first fifteen minutes on the fact Tommy can’t have kids. There is a prolonged montage where they fuck, and fuck, and fuck, and fuck, and fuck to where they have been screwing for like six months straight. Instead of laughing, I’m yelling for the characters to just go to a fertility specialist. But no, we have to have several more scenes where Audrey gets pissed at Tommy. Why? Cause his sperm doesn’t work? Is that something you can blame a person for like it is a conscious decision? Besides you don’t know so go to a fertility clinic!

Then we get several “gut busting” scenes were Tommy has to jerk off for a sperm sample and apparently he has this thing about not being able to at the sperm bank. So he has to go home, jerk off and drive 100 MPH to get the sample to the bank in time. Really dude? Just jerk off in the office. I realize we wouldn’t have these comedy scenes if characters just acted normally but come on. Comedy is about exaggeration but it is not about making people into unbelievable morons.

So then we get the news Tommy’s sperm doesn’t work due to many hits to the groin. This prompts a montage of the easiest joke in human history short of the fart joke; man getting hit in groin by football. The news I couldn’t have kids wouldn’t deter me because there are alternatives. There is adoption or you could use a solution already mentioned in the movie. Audrey could artificially enseminate herself with another person’s sperm. After all, it is not like Tommy was hung up on him passing on his own genes. Tommy wasn’t really that enthusiastic about having kids but simply wants it becuase that is what Audrey wants. But no, that would mean thinking rationally and we wouldn’t have a movie. Instead we spend the next hour shaming Tommy for something out of his control.

I am not kidding when I say a good hour of this movie is person after person berating Tommy for his sperm. Now, as I said many times before I recognize I am not a regular person. I sometimes feel like an alien who doesn’t understand these illogical humans but I honestly don’t understand this. If I found out a friend couldn’t have children due to a medical problem with his sperm, my first response wouldn’t be „“Haha! You aren’t a man! Can I fuck your wife to get her pregnant?“ But that is what every character does. And they aren’t saying this to razz their friend, they are saying this to legitimately put him down. This isn’t the same as say, getting an errection. I honestly don’t get it, Tommy has no control at all over the production of his sperm. You are seriously making me question humanity movie. I could go on but you get the point. I can’t remember another movie where I spent so much time screaming at my TV over stupid irrelevant BS that didn’t make sense.

The acting in this movie is no good either. I’ve always thought Olivia Munn a black hole of comedy. It is sad when you have to be carried by Kevin Pereira of all people. But that being said, I can’t put too much blame on Munn as she is given nothing to do but be shrill at Tommy over not making sperm. Scheider too has the unfortunate duty of delivering terrible dialog in a horribly exaggerated manner.

Looking through the IMDb filmography, you can actually see the nosedive of talent that is Broken Lizard. You start off with Super Troopers which I love probably more than I should. Then you get a misfire with Club Dredd and a brief recovery with Beerfest. Then you have Slammin Salmon which is absolute ass followed up by Babymakers which is a serious contender for worst of 2012. I don’t get mad at movies usually. Seriously, I did a worst of list for 2012 and my common write up was that a movie was boring. The Babymakers pushed all my buttons though and it seriously made me consider stopping the movie several times and I never do that.

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