Blubberella (Uwe Boll) 2011

The short lesson you need to learn about Boll is that not everything he makes is comedy gold.  Not everything Boll churns out is the same cheesy consistency as Bloodrayne or Alone in the Dark or In the Name of the King.  When Boll actually “tries“ with a movie things are actually worse.  I have seen movies like Seed, Stoic, 1968 Tunnel Rats, Attack on Darfour and they don’t even have the benefit of being so bad it’s good.  Those movies just sit on your head for two hours.  But you know what’s worse than Boll trying to be serious?  What’s worse is when Boll is trying to be funny.

Where Tunnel Rats will sit on your head, stuff like Postal and Blubberella will sit on your head and shit on your face.  There is nothing worse than a comedy that isn’t funny.  Remember House of the Dead The Funny Version?  It was basically House of the Dead with stupid comments and effects put on the screen.  Blubberella is like what happens if you took a Rifftrax commentary of Bloodrayne The Third Reich and actually filmed a new movie.

Blubberella uses the same sets, the same action scenes, the same actors (with the exception of Blubberella), and the same basic story as Bloodrayne 3.  These films don’t just feel like they were filmed around the same time, it feels like Natassia Malthe finished her scene and they immediatly did “the funny take“ for Blubberella.  Most of the “funny“ comes from the fact Blubberella is fat.  Har har har.  Despite being a vampire, in most scenes we see her eating cotton candy, meat, etc.  I know, I am pointing out plot holes in Blubberella.  I will just slap myself for that right now.

Let me give you an example of humor that is not fat related or homophobic (there is a limp wristed lisping gay stereotype named Vag).  The scientist is explaining what a vampire is and he says something to the effect of: “This creature is an unbelievable discovery.  The only things that can kill it are a stake through the heart, sunlight…or making him watch the Rocky sequels!“  Really?  That’s the best line you can come up with?  The answer is yes, that is the best he can come up with.  Bloodrayne is being riffed on by the unfunniest man on the planet.

Scene after scene rolls on and with every attempt at humor I let out an audible groan.  I’m glad no one else was with me because I’m sure they would kick my ass for the number of times I let out either a groan or an exasperated sigh.  That’s just what this movie makes me do.  Blubberella goes on a Jewish dating website (in 1942 Germany for some reason).  Why?  I don’t know.  There is no punchline to this joke.  I guess it is just funny that a vampire would use a Jewish dating website.  Sigh.  Let’s have Blubberella do a Precious spoof.  Why?  I don’t know.  I’m sure it has a ton of relavance in a spoof vampire movie.

Like I really need to say this but I will anyway.  Don’t watch this movie.  I’ve been to funerals with more humor than this movie.  And if you are not into this movie for the humor, then there isn’t any other reason to watch.  There are no fun performances, there is no plot, there is no anything.  There is no reason to watch this movie.

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