Screamers: The Hunting (Sheldon Wilson) 2009

This is a SyFy Channel original movie right? There is no way a movie can suck this bad and not by a SyFy movie. And on a tiny tangent I would rather see an Asylum film than a SyFy movie.

So the reason I saw this movie was I reviewed the original Screamers for my box office bomb blog. One of my helpful “fans” directed me toward the direct to DVD sequel. Now, it’s not like I expected this film to be all that good, but I certainly didn’t expect it to suck this hard.

The sequel is about a group of people (marines, special forces, company men…the movie never specifies) to the planet of the screamers because they received a distress call. I don’t exactly know why people care now about what happens on Sirius 6B since they didn’t care in the first movie but trust me that is only the first of many plot holes. So a group of cannon fodder make their way onto the planet and realize the screamers have evolved.

Let’s start by talking about the story. It sucks. They do absolutely nothing to make this story interesting or to add anything new. We learn nothing new about the screamers, nothing about the universe these characters inhabit, and nothing about any of the characters. They decide to make the main character Bronte (Gina Holden) the daughter of Hendrickson of the first movie. Do you wanna guess how much they do with that during the course of the movie? That’s right, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

This movie is just another killer something movie. The crew are just there to get picked off one at a time. I don’t mind a monster of the week movie, but this one is just sooooo idiotic. The movie is littered with plot holes and inconsistencies. For example, the crew gets stranded on the planet when the screamers get on the ship, kill the engineer and drain the fuel cells. There is just one problem; how did it get on the ship? No one left a hatch open, the screamers didn’t break through the hull, and they didn’t slip a human hybrid on board. It just shows up and kills him. Why? Because the plot needs there to be a conflict. It is sad when I am drafting re-writes in my head to show how lazy the writing is and how easy it would be to fix it. I could write way much more about the plot holes but I won’t bore you.

The plot wouldn’t be so big of an issue if the characters were at all interesting. They aren’t. Not only are they all annoying pricks, but they are stupid pricks to boot. That is probably the most frustrating part. Making your characters jerks, I guess I can live with that. But when the characters are doing things so stupid and moronic you are yelling at your TV? Yeah, that’s bad. It takes you out of the movie when all the characters combined don’t have a shred of common sense.

The action is dull since I don’t care about the characters and the special effects are bad. Now I know this is a DTV release and normally I can look over that if the story is good enough. But when the rest of the movie is shite, then I can’t exactly overlook it. The horror doesn’t work because like I said, you either hate the characters or are so frustrated with their actions that you don’t care what happens.

Oh god, I was about to forget to comment on the acting. It sucks too. Gina Holden is absolutely dreadful in this movie. Again, I know this is a DTV movie, but even by those standards she is terrible. I also think we all need to give up on the idea of Lance Henriksen “starring” in any movies anymore. The man is the John Carradine of the new millennium. He will just show up for five minutes to any movie offering craft services. Chuck a few free tacos his way and BAM he will show up to your nephew’s bar mitzvah. I just assume he is in every crappy Scifi movie from now on. Yeah, as you can guess, he shows up for five minutes grunts out a few lines and collects his paycheck (despite being top billed).

There is nothing redeeming to this movie. Everything about this movie is uninteresting (at best) or frustrating and shitty (at worst). Its the rare movie that pisses me off and it succeeded. So, congratulations. So this movie sucks…um, the end.

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