Far Cry (Uwe Boll) 2009

Yeah, we all know it will suck, but how bad is the question.  Is it so bad its good or just bad?

It does seem like Boll is trying harder to be a legitimate filmmaker now which is oddly a bad thing.  The obvious appeal is seeing the Ed Wood-ish complete asshattery behind the camera.  A man who doesn’t have the first idea of directing, cinematography, or writing and it is hilarious.  But now with 1968: Tunnel Rats, Bloodrayne II, Seed, and the upcoming Darfur, he has gone from asshattery to just plain suck.  It’s not funny, these efforts are just dull.  Gone are the funny goofs and mistakes, and we are left with blandly done action scenes and simply incompetent plotting.

Far Cry is about an evil mad scientist Krieger (Udo Kier) who makes super soldiers that are only weak against bullets to the eyes and mouth.  We follow a Lois Lane type who is trying to expose this government conspiracy.  She hires an ex-special forces officer Jack Carver (Til Schweiger) to take her to the secret island on his tour boat.

I suppose I will start with the acting.  Til Schweiger really isn’t any good in this movie.  He actually does the physical work well and you get the impression he could do a limited action role (possibly a villain).  The problem is he really doesn’t speak English and he speaks in an early Van Damme broken English.  At times, he is really STRUGGLING to get through his lines and it is almost painful to look at.  Udo Kier sounds like he would be cool because he’s cool in anything, but he has nothing to work with.  He just stands around and doesn’t say anything creepy or menacing.

The action is, again, bland.  The car and chase scene are just almost drive in chase scenes with just the characters shooting at each other and no stunts being done.  There is also “humor” thrown in where the ditsy reporter has to be explained what a grenade is and how to use it.  If you don’t know what a grenade is, then you have officially lived in a cave your whole life.

That does bring me to the humor in the movie.  We get a hand me down Horatio Sanz with a fat comic relief side kick named Emilio.  His chief role is to be basically Rob Schneider in Judge Dredd and scream out and to bitch nonstop.  Oh man is he annoying.

The movie is held down by the lack of skilled directing.  The monsters/soldiers are inconsistent at best.  In the beginning they are stealthy killers and near the end they lumber forward allowing themselves to get shot in the face.  That is another thing; near the end everyone is a crack shot who can shoot an eye under stress at a range of 50 yards.  The action scenes are amateurish at best with no stunts or anything to keep them interesting.  What really is a slap in the face is when our main baddie gets killed OFF SCREEN.  No! No no no no no no no no no no no no no.  You don’t go that far and build up the bad guy that much not for us to see the ultimate pay off.  That’s bullshit.

I suppose this could still be a riffable movie, but it’s just not on the same level as Alone in the Dark or House of the Dead or even Dungeon Siege.  This feels more like the movie is sitting on your head instead of laughably bad.  Still, I don’t think anything will be as gloriously bad as Boll going for a political message with Darfur.  Cause we all know, subtlety is Uwe Boll’s strong suit…


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