Never Surrender (Hector Echavarria) 2009

You would think a movie written by the same man, starring most of the same actors, and with the exact same plot, you would figure its part of the same series.  If you picked up Never Surrender with that same theory you would a freaking idiot.  After seeing the abomination that was Death Warrior, I said I had to see its humble beginnings.  But despite having the same cast and crew and EXACT SAME SYNOPSIS ON THE BACK BOX COVER, it is a completely different movie.  I am going to review this kind of as I see it so it is fresh in my mind.

Holy shit we get the exact opening! We have I swear the same credit sequence.  We get blood spatter credits interspersed with an outdoor UFC venue (mainly because they can’t afford that many extras for a fight crowd).  Produced, written, starring, and directed by Hector “it’s my money I’ll do whatever I want” Echavarria.

Anyway, Hector plays Diego in this movie as he just wins his latest bout.  The MMA promoters now run a video segment of the rags to riches story of the greatest Cinderella Man and blah blah blah.  As with Death Warrior, he is unstoppable as he started his fight career at 17 and has NEVER lost a match ever in his 30 year career.  I didn’t mention this in the first review but I will anyway.  Echavarria is 40 years old and despite being somewhat in shape for this movie, it is strange everyone hyping him up as the pinnacle of human conditioning.  Compared to actual fighters, Echavarria looks like someone who does Tae Bo on the weekends.  Anyway we cut to GSP who is making a Tuna sandwich to music that is one step away from the Imperial March.  I agree with Spoony; just because you play menacing music does not mean you can make whatever the guy is doing menacing.  Either GSP wants for fight with Echavarria or is turned on by him.

Diego is celebrating with his entourage after the fight.  Oh Johnny Drama, where are you?  Rampage Jackson and BJ Penn roll up and exchange some “banter”.  By banter I mean Rampage stutters out some gay innuendo about Diego wanting his ass or something.  Ugh, anyway three guys from the club come up claiming they lost money on the Diego fight tonight and want to take it out of their ass.  I understand you lose your inhibitions when you drink alcohol, but it takes some gold standard stupidity to pick a fight with BJ Penn, Rampage Jackson, and the Fedor equivalent of Diego ALL AT ONCE!

All of the women are falling over Diego but he chooses the ugliest woman in the club to chat up; meaning it’s his real life girlfriend most likely.  She offers him the chance at some “ultimate fighting experience” in some underground club and he immediately takes them up on the offer.  What!?  Why would he…screw it.  They go to the fight club.  Apparently, the rules are they fight in an octagon for pride, money, and for hos.  Yeah, if you win you take the other fighter’s ho train for one night.  Diego immediately takes them up on that offer if ugly blond becomes his consort/ho.  Our hero ladies and gentlemen; a misogynist asshole only out for money and pussy!  So he nearly kills the dude in the ring and has sex with his newly won slave.  Wow, I loathe this man.

Diego’s next opponent is an Ivan Drago equivalent called Crusher and despite Diego being a Light Heavyweight, Crusher is more a Brock Lesnar size roid freak.  Cue Rocky montage!  It turns out GSP is actually Diego’s friend and is concerned because he hasn’t heard from him in a while.  GSP goes to Diego’s house and finds goons there to beat up.  Wow, GSP is even a better fake fighter than Hector.  GSP tries to convince Diego this is rather shady and Diego says he really feels alive.  I hate him even more now because he’s so incredibly stupid.

Diego vs. Crusher: cue useless spinny kicks with his opponent lowering his hands and putting his chin out.  Deigo wins the ho train and has sex that night.  I know I keep saying it but I hate this guy.  Skinemax sex scene lol.  Another training montage cut with Skinemax sex.  *Barf* Ugh, we get it, you think your girlfriend is hot.  We get it, stop showing her body!

The Crazy Horse Heath Herring makes his appearance as Diego’s trainer.  He is there because apparently Diego’s opponent is “a real badass”.  Cue ANOTHER training montage.  Holy crap, this is the third training montage in at least 12 minutes.

Carter vs. Marco: cue more spinny kicks with the opponent’s hands down!  Seeing this clown in two movies I can safely say this guy couldn’t beat Dustin Diamond in the ring or satisfy anyone in the bedroom for that matter.  His technique is apparently laying down, doing nothing and making Ernest like faces.  NOOOOOO not more Skinemax!  Some banter from Herring about how fighting isn’t everything.  Evil guy then watches Diego have sex.  Um, eeeeewwwwww.  One note about the evil guy.  He does this Russian accent that would be laughed off Rocky and Bullwinkle.  Just exchange every “w” with an overemphasized V and you got it.  Diego finally grows a brain and figures out this whole illegal fight business with slavery, prostitution, and death might not be on the level.  Everyone join me in saying DDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIII

Bad guy rapes ugly girl and Diego gets pissed at that because he’s now in love with ugly girl.  Diego professes his love to ugly girl and NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not more Skinemax with ugly girl *taps out and cries*.  Aaargh, I didn’t want Diego going down in an hot tub.  Give me anything else…NOOOOOOO not another training/dating montage!  Oh god, this movie is an endless loop with no escape, its just montages and disgusting sex.

Seifer (the bad guy) vs. Heath Herring.  Seifer kills Herring despite being a 60 year old man.  Must’ve taken his Ensure that day.

Diego goes to kill Seifer and some random baddie gets in his way.  BJ Penn then comes out to help Diego with this guy.  Um, okay movie, just pull anything you want out of your ass.  Sure, let’s roll with that.  Diego walks into the warehouse to see Anderson The Spider Silva.  An actual competitive fight from Silva until Diego remembers he can deliver spinny kicks and his opponent will lower his hands.  The fight ends with Diego curb stomping Silva.  Our hero, ah forget it.

Old man Seifer vs. old man Diego in a geriatric battle for the ages.  Seifer beats down Diego and all seems lost until he remembers he can do spinny kicks and his opponent will lower his hands and stick out his chin.  Seifer’s goons are going to shoot Diego when he’s close to winning but Diego’s entourage shows up and kills the goons with guns.  What!?  What!?  How did they!?  Why do they!?  Fuck it, movie is almost over!

They get away in a stretch Hummer while the cops show up at the same time.  What!?  The cops just let a stretch Hummer get away from the scene of a multiple homicide!?  Goddamnit!  The end?  No, no way movie.  Diego gets away from police prosecution and lives happily ever after?  Fuck this.  Despite having one of the most loathsome protagonists in history the movie should just be titled Training Montage and Disgusting Sex: The Movie.  Here’s hoping these movies tanked and Echavarria can’t make this a trilogy.


 

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