Transylmania (2009) David and Scott Hillenbrand

Production Budget: unknown

Gross: $400,000

Transylmania is about a teen wanting to go to a Romanian school so he can have sex with his internet girlfriend. His friends decide to go along and spend a semester at the school there because…just because. What these teens don’t know is the school is vampires killing students.

This was originally made in 2007 but pushed out in ’09 because they wanted to capitalize on the recent vampire infatuation with movies like Twilight and shows like True Blood. This “spoof” was one of the worst bombs of 2009.

Within literally the first five minutes you get the gist of the humor. We get sex jokes, homophobic humor, slapstick humor, male nudity, pot humor, and scatological humor. If you didn’t have the lame vampire jokes you would swear this was one of those lame American Pie direct to video flicks. You wouldn’t be that far off because the directors made National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze and Dorm Daze 2. In fact, this is supposed to be Dorm Daze 3 but retitled I suppose not to confuse audiences and just try to cash in on the vampire craze.

I’ve never seen these DTV American Pie-ish type movies and if this is any indication I don’t want to. The humor in this movie is predictable, unoriginal, and plays to the lowest common denominator. How unoriginal is this humor? They rip off Young Frankenstein’s joke of Frau Blucher except whenever they say Razvan a horse farts. Yeah, not only do they steal, but they dumb it down immensely by making it fart humor. Or how about we steal the Marx Brothers mirror scene? They are stealing bits from comics 80 years ago. I’m surprised there aren’t pies in the face humor.

But lets play a quick game. Let’s see if you can predict the punchline to the lame humor in this movie.

Scene #1- The frat guys are all meeting our main characters internet girlfriend. She comes out and has a pretty face but UH OH! She has a large hump on her back. Now, what lame jokes do they make to the main character about his girlfriend? If you said something to the effect of him wanting to “hump” her; congratulations.

Scene #2- Our main character wants some viagra for his big night and asks a friend for some. The friend motions to a random prescription bottle and in a rush jams random and differently colored pills in his mouth. What’s the punchline? If you guessed it wasn’t Viagra and random hallucinogens then you are as predictable as the joke writers for this movie.

Scene #3- Our stoner buddies are buy the local Razvan delicacy. They don’t know what it is but they find it absolutely delicious. What’s the punchline? If you guessed the food was made out of some kind of testicle/penis you are correct.

Now all these jokes are just your random sex/toilet humor from any teen movie. You may be asking “Where is the spoof on the vampires?” Or not… The answer to your question is there really isn’t any. The writers pretend it is, but it isn’t. Ok, I’ll explain. One of the main plot threads is about some badass vampire and his wife. A long long time ago some vampire hunter trapped her soul in a music box and hid it away. The main villain is looking for the music box to get his wife back and whoever opens the box the female vamps soul is infused in them. The problem is this “soul music box” has nothing to do with vampire lore and could be for any generic supernatural villain from a sorcerer/witch to a ghost/ghoul. There is no real focus on vampire lore or on recent vamp pop culture like Twilight. The closest thing we get is one of the school classes is a Hogwart’s like class on vampire slaying. So we make a Harry Potter joke but not a Twilight joke?

Some of the humor doesn’t make any sense anyway. A recurring joke is that when Asian guy (sorry I don’t remember any names but they are all so unmemorable) smokes pot he becomes a talented surgeon. (???) What? Why? Where do you get that? Is that some veiled reference to Harold and Kumar? Why is that funny? What does it mean? Another joke is about a teen who prematurely ejaculates. His friend gives him a Kama Sutra like book to help him out. What is the funny punchline? They have good sex and become instructors on the techniques in the book. Really, what’s the joke?

This movie is a chore. No, actually it’s worse than a chore. I did chores doing the movie (my house is very clean now) and it was preferable to dedicating my full attention to this. And before you accuse me of missing the full experience, I figure if I was able to predict the whole movie through the obvious humor I wasn’t really missing anything. This was a direct to video piece of shit that was released into theaters to try to make a quick buck but for once the general public wasn’t having any of it. Avoid at all costs.

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