Seed (Uwe Boll) 2007

Seed is a faceless man who has killed 666 people in 6 years.  I gotta hand it to the man, he keeps busy.  Anyway, Det. Matt Bishop (Michael Pare) captures Seed and is sentenced to death.  The problem is there is a quirky law in that state where if a person survives three shocks on the electric chair he is set free and Seed survives the shocks.  The prison tries to bury him alive but Seed get free to get his revenge.

This movie was made back to back with Postal.  Suddenly the double feature of Can’t Stop the Music and Xanadu doesn’t seem that bad.  I said it before and I’ll say it again: just because you shoot something in bad taste doesn’t make it scary.  Horror is all about atmosphere.  And while you can use a disturbing shot to punctuate the tension on the scene, you cannot just throw random disturbing crap on the screen and generate the same reaction.  In Tunnel Rats, we had a five minute scene of a soldier stabbing a VC in a tunnel.  In Seed, we get a five minute shot of Seed hitting a woman in the head with a tack hammer.  At a certain point it turns from tense, to funny, to boring as you wonder if Boll forgot to turn the camera off and the actors would just walk off the set to go home for the day.  The opening credits also have PETA animal cruelty footage playing cause…well, just cause.  There is no point other than to gross us out.

The movie is crap and not in the funny laugh at Uwe Boll being embarrassing kind of way.  It is boring and intentionally annoying.  The characters are meant to be annoying so you cheer their death and the plot is so generic you could rename it any masked serial killer movie since the 80’s.  What makes this truly annoying is Boll trying to make some kind of moral statement.  Apparently, sentencing the biggest single mass murderer in the history of the world makes you just as evil a monster in Boll’s opinion.  Having Seed be the instrument of moral justice is one of the more reprehensible things I’ve seen this year short of God’s arbitrary genocide in Knowing.

No matter how low you set your bar or how you come into this movie; Seed will disappoint.  The kills are not entertaining, the plot makes no sense (even characters point out plot holes), Seed teleports, the cinematography is too dark and you can’t see most shit, and as I said before most of the shots are meant to annoy and gross you out.  No one should see this, not even Uwe Boll shlock fans.

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