Halloween 2 (Rob Zombie) 2009

Now I probably went in with even lower expectations than Spoony.  I was going in figuring I was not even seeing a Michael Myers movie but just a generic slasher.  Even with that, I was still disappointed.

I get the real feeling Zombie REALLY REALLY REALLY didn’t want to make this movie.  It seems like he had his own movie in mind and wanted to make it but the Weinsteins came up insisting he finish this Halloween project and stay even partially to the canon.  When Zombie is given freedom to do his own thing (the only example being Devil’s Rejects) he is brilliant.  However when his work is derivative like House of 1000 Corpses (big rip off of Texas Chainsaw Massacre), it is not so great.  Both Halloween movies get somewhat interesting when Zombie tries to branch out and do his own thing, but whenever he gets pulled into the canon storyline of Laurie Strode and Myers it turns into boring generic torture porn shit.

The biggest problem with this story is Rob Zombie wants to have it both ways.  He wants to make Michael Myers a flesh and blood human being with real emotions and an explainable psychological reason for why he does what he does.  Yet in the same breath he expects us to believe he is a 7 foot tall zombie who survives beatings, stabbings, being shot in the face, has supernatural strength, and is PURE EEEEEEVIL.  Sorry, you just can’t do that.  You try to give a personality to a blank slate and do nothing with it.  That is the very definition of pointless and its what makes both Halloweens boring.  I wonder if Zombie would have felt more at home with Friday the 13th or Psycho or a retelling of Charles Manson (since he has such an obvious fascination with him).

There are a few flashes of great Zombie visuals but then it gets bogged down in terrible padding and slasher cliches.  Zombie is a great cinematographer, but a terrible writer.  I would hate to see the actual script because it almost seems like page after page would be “NO NO PLEASE NO…FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK…MICHAEL MYERS IS AFTER ME HELP ME NO NO…FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK…PLEASE GOD HELP FUCKING HELP FUCK FUCK FUCK…”  The movie is chock full of plot holes, inconsistencies, character inconsistencies, and plot cul de sacs.  Characters don’t act at all like real people and their motives shift on a dime only on the whims of Zombie and what he wants his characters to do at the time.  Oh, and Myers teleports like Jason in Jason Takes Manhattan.  Strange since the ending is more reminiscent of Friday the 13th Part 5.   I’m not sure whether to call the actress who plays Laurie terrible or just call the writing terrible (or both).  She has no character and has to spend the entire movie quivering and shrieking like a Banshee about Michael Myers coming to get her.  It really is one of the most annoying things about this movie.  The rest of the cast is your general assortment of Zombie white trash hicks whose only purpose is to be annoying as fuck and to make you cheer when he kills them.  The movie is saved with the inclusion of Malcolm McDowell and Brad Douriff.  They are the only people with any kind of personality and they are a breath of fresh air.

This movie, no matter how you look at it, is crap.  If you are looking at it as a Halloween movie, you will hate the direction Zombie takes the story and his utter disregard of Carpenter’s original vision.  If you are looking for a slasher film with flashes of visual brilliance you will also be let down.  The Halloween plot is a hindrance to Zombie’s vision and doesn’t use as many camera tricks and visuals as you would like.  As a generic slasher its unoriginal, dull, and the writing/acting make it migraine inducing.  I didn’t loathe it, but it is not good at all.

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