Friday the 13th (Marcus Nispel) 2009

*sigh* Fuck.

Alright, here we go. I guess my initial appeal with the slasher genre was that it came in that adolescent period where I did not really see many graphic deaths or heavy sexuality. Oh, I saw violent movies and I saw people die, but it was usually people getting shot and slumping over. I never saw people getting chopped in half by a machete or stabbed in the eye with a party favor and I certainly didn’t see much nudity. So the slasher film was kind of my ticket to places I hadn’t been before violence wise and a stop gap until I could get proper porn:) In all seriousness though, I realize how bad the Friday the 13th series is. Even the original movie is dated and is in no way a classic the same way Halloween is. While Friday the 13th had more appeal with blood at the time, Halloween is now the undisputed classic with a genuinely scary atmosphere.

Now, I must admit I find the slasher film genre and its retarded step-cousin the Torture Porn genre rather boring now. The horror genre is designed to do as the very name suggests: to horrify. I love a truly great horror movie that can push past my view of reality and get me to my basic primal fears and genuinely scare me. The slasher genre on the whole is simply not scary anymore and is predicated on entertaining its audience with boobs and killing asshole characters. You all know I enjoyed The Strangers which is all things considered a rather mediocre horror movie when compared to the hundreds of others in the genre. But what I really enjoyed was the honest to goodness attempt at trying to scare the audience with creepy atmosphere and a dark mood and NOT with a heavy body count, tits, and annoying asshole characters you just want to die. Its one of those movies where you appreciate the attempt more than the finished project.

So I have spent two paragraphs and have barely even mentioned the title Friday the 13th let alone talk about the movie. Okay, 13th is pretty much a faithful slasher film by today’s standards…and that’s the problem. The plot (HA! Plot.) involves Jason kidnapping a young girl whom he believes is his mother (which is still bullsh*t). Jared Padelecki plays her brother who is looking for her and there are a bunch of other assorted potheads, stoners, and douchebags that are fodder for Jason. What I usually like about reboots if they succeed or even if they fail miserably *cough Halloween reboot* is they try to do something new with the series: take it to a new direction. But with this current reboot there is no innovation or any new ideas. This really could be a replacement for one of the many carbon copy Ft13th movies like Part II-IX. I guess if we are looking at this film in just slasher terms then I guess its alright. I mean, it has enough deaths and tits but as a movie it just sucks. The teleporting Jason returns as annoying as ever. And here’s a drinking game: take a shot every time there is an establishing shot of a sign that says “Camp Crystal Lake”. I’m getting drunk just thinking about it. There are also plot holes you could drive a MACK truck through but hey its a slasher and its immune to plot inaccuracies. Really, I was just freaking bored with the whole movie. This is another in a long string of flashy but empty remakes like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (which this director also made).

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