POSTAL (2007) Uwe Boll

If there is one thing Spoony and I can agree on its this: there is not a worse movie made than a comedy that is not funny.

Postal may very well be the worst Boll movie ever made because of that fact.  Not because it is ineptly made like House of the Dead or incredibly derivative like Dungeon Siege, but because it is one of the unfunny movies ever.  At least with movies like Plan 9 or House of the Dead, despite how sh*tty they are, they do serve the value of watching mockingly.  You could pop in House of the Dead with Boll’s commentary or invite friends over for an MST3K ripping of the movie and laugh at the crappiness of the whole movie.  With an unfunny comedy, there is nothing to really make fun of.  Me and Spoony were watching this trying to riff on it, but the only thing coming out of our mouths were “Was that supposed to be a joke?”  So not only do you have a movie directed with the skill of Uwe Boll, but now you can’t even laugh at it in any way, shape, or form.  This is the cinematic equivalent of torture.

Now a few people saw the trailer for Postal and actually gave it the tiniest of chances that Boll could pull off this movie.  Postal is a big middle finger to political correctness and good taste, and who better than Uwe Boll to translate that to the big screen?  Well, it is easy to be politically incorrect, but that still doesn’t make comedy easy?  Sure, anyone can have outrageous imagery like Nazis, sodomy, the twin towers getting blown up, blatant racism, shots of the male anatomy, and gang rape by monkeys, but that doesn’t by its very nature make it funny.  Really, Boll’s humor falls into a few categories.  The first joke he repeats is “fat people are funny”  The Postal guy (and that is the characters name) is married to a fat pig who has sex in a trailer and rocks the trailer every time we are at the trailer park.  The Postal guy goes to get a job at an Office Space rip off and gets hassled by a fat woman.  The Postal guy gets in the middle of a plan of burglary with Dave Foley and a crazy (you guessed it) fat guy played by Chris Coppola.

Now let me take a moment to mention said Chris Coppola.  He gives the most over the top, off the wall, bat shit insane performance I think of anyone in a Uwe Boll movie.  That’s a bold statement, but believe me when I say it is incredibly awful.

The second joke Boll harps on is that the penis looks funny.  We get a full minute of Dave Foley’s cock and balls (yeah, that’s something I’ve always wanted to see).  Vern Troyer has all manner of vibrators with him at all times and gets anally raped by a million monkeys.  We also have a burglary plot involving Tickly Me Elmos only they are called Cockles (or some bullsh*t) and are shaped like a cock and balls.  No, they are not shaped in a way that you could subtly imply it is a phallus, it is a full on dildo.

The third joke that is harped on is that those Taliban are funny goofy guys.  Osama watches Oprah and goes to motivational conventions to learn how to motivate his troops.  Extremists bicker over how many virgins they get in heaven and listen to rap music. Many of the jokes don’t make sense like “What is the difference between a duck…” and the hopping on one foot singing Freebird bit. For much of the movie you see scenes  where stuff happens and when Boll cuts away you will ask yourself “Was that a joke?”  I swear!  I swear!  You will actually question if about 50% of the movie is an attempt at humor because it is so poorly written.

The final gasps of originality and wit die out when Osama tells Bush “I wish I knew how to quit you!”  Brokeback Mountain jokes were dead by the time BB Mountain was released.  They way past dead to infuriatingly annoying by the time Boll delivers it.

And should I also point out that the Postal guy never really goes Postal.  He will have the occasional outburst where he runs over someone from his work, but for the most part he is the calmest and sanest person in the whole movie.  I thought Postal was about someone being brought past the breaking point by society and his lashing out.  Kind of like…oooooh what was the name of that movie…its on the tip of my brain…oh it was such a little known movie…oh now I remember FALLING DOWN!

Spoony has an endurance test on the front page, but really Postal is an endurance test.  It really is the worst kind of movie: a comedy that pisses you off by how mind blowingly unfunny it is.

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