The Rocker (2008) Peter Catteneo

Production Budget: $15 million
Worldwide Gross: $8.7 million

You know, I can handle when a movie is offensively bad.  What I really hate is when a movie (more specifically a comedy) is bland and forgettable.  Doesn’t this movie just scream bland with its generic title and even blander cover art.  In fact, that’s the reason why I was dreading watching this movie for so long.  This movie looks like a bland remake of School of Rock with a hand me down Jack Black in Rainn Wilson (The Office).  Turns out I wasn’t that far off.

The plot is about Fish (Wilson) who was a drummer for a hair metal band called Vesuvius in the 80’s.  The band gets a deal with a record label as long as they cut Fish which they promptly do.  Vesuvius goes on to be the next Metallica I guess and Fish spends the next 20 years stewing over his missed opportunity.  His cousin comes up to him asking to fill in for a missing drummer for the school prom.  Through a series of goofy shenanigans, they become popular when the band’s practice sessions get leaked on the Internet with Fish practicing nude (yeah don’t ask).  Fish now gets to be a rock star with this kid band.

You know, this movie really has one joke and it is this: Rainn Wilson is a goofy looking motherf*cker.  I mean he has that 80’s hair, he always has his face smushed in like a grotesque Jim Carrey imitation, he wears 80’s clothes and spandex, sometimes he is half clothed with his nonathletic pasty body showing, sometimes he is in his underwear (which is surprisingly clean), and sometimes we see his bare a**.   It doesn’t stop there.  We get other jokes about his bodily functions.  Do you know he gets the runs or pukes before a show and he keeps it in his pocket as a good luck charm!?  WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNNY!?  Oh, he is also very sweaty after a show and likes to hug people.  And because he is old his body is covered in braces and casts.  We get it!  His body is nonathletic, unappealing, ugly, and secretes many a disgusting fluid.  CAN WE MOVE ON PEOPLE?

What other humor do we get besides that?  Nothing.  The rest of the movie is padded out with the band’s sugary bubblegum crap music.  All I have to say is if this is “metal” than the Jonas Brothers are the next Slayer.  Oh and we have Will Arnett (Gob from Arrested Development) who is completely wasted as the lead singer of Vesuvius.  He basically steps in for 3 minutes doing a Spinal Tap impression then leaves.

I laughed exactly ONE time during this whole movie.  The writers had one awesome joke, and it pissed me off I have to give the movie that much credit.  As I said before, this movie is not offensively bad, but it is so generic, so bland, so safe that there is no point to watch it.  This is the movie equivalent of an episode of Two and a Half Men or The World According to Jim.  Stay away.  Even watch an episode of the Office for all I care.  Anything is better than this.

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