Son of the Mask (2005) Lawrence Guterman

Production Budget: $84 million +
Worldwide Gross: $57 million

Before I launch into my tirade about the movie itself, I would like to launch into a separate tangent tirade.  Can you believe they spent nearly 90 million dollars (adjusted for marketing) for this piece of sh*t.  The original Mask was only made for 18 million!  Yeah, that was 10 years ago so there is some inflation, but not 70 million worth of inflation!  I have long ago come to grips that nothing is sacrilege in Hollywood and any crackpot idea is a go.  You want a sequel to a Jim Carrey hit without the star that made it a hit.  Go ahead, make Ace Ventura Jr., make Dumb and Dumberer, make Evan Almighty (ugh, another bomb for another day).  But this makes me appreciate Roger Corman so much more.  Because he made crap but at least he was a shrewd businessman.  He really didn’t care what piece of sh*t you made as long as you came in on/under budget and the movie at least paid for itself on sales.

I don’t care if you make a crappy sequel to The Mask with your even crappier Jamie Kennedy.  We are talking about a cheap cash in.  I get that.  But if you are making a cheap cash in, why the f*ck would you give this schmuck more than $30 million, 40, 50, 60, 90 MILLION!?  Where do you draw the line?  Where do you stop?  It just seems to me if I were the head of New Line, I would say “You want your crappy cash in, you have $30 million to make it and no more.”  There at least with theatrical release and DVD sales, you make a tidy profit.  But with 90 million, you need at least 180 million dollars to make back your money.  IT MAKES NO SENSE!

Why am I making such a fuss about this?  Well, if it’s one thing that pisses me off since doing this bomb thread, its how much studios give money to obvious crackpot and moronic movie ideas.  Think of the sheer number of low budget movies that could be made on $90 million dollars.  Or the number of movies you could make with Evan Almighty’s budget of 200 million.  Think of the number of wonderful directors that cannot get even a few million for their projects.  Steven Spielberg, arguably the greatest director working today (arguably), cannot get $30 million to finish his Abe Lincoln biopic he had been wanting to do for years.  Steven Spielberg no, but Son of the Mask; yes, yes, 90 million dollars YES!!!

*sigh* Anyway back to the movie.  There is not much to say about the production.  The movie got slammed by critics and audiences.  Richard Roeper even said  “In the five years I’ve been co-hosting this show, this is the closest I’ve ever come to walking out halfway through the film, and now that I look back on the experience, I wish I had.” (One of the few times I 100% agree with Richard Roeper)  The movie won the Razzie for worst sequel and is #84 on IMDb’s Bottom 100.

The story is set ten years after the original Mask.  Loki God of Mischief (Alan Cumming) is tasked by his father Odin (Bob Hoskins) to find the Mask he created.  Tim Avery (Jamie Kennedy) is a budding cartoonist who is feeling pressure in his life because his wife wants to have a baby.  Tim’s dog finds the Mask and brings it to Tim.  Tim becomes the Mask character and *sighs* bangs his wife and impregnates her with a Mask demon seed baby.  The baby has all the powers of the Mask but is a million times creepier as it is CGI and makes the baby from Eraserhead seem like a wonderful adorable child.

Is it any good?  There are some movies you come into with your expectations at the very bottom and you are pleasantly surprised by.  Then you have some movies with your expectations at the very bottom and you have reality slam though the floor into some new level of hell you never knew existed.  That is Son of the Mask.

Where do I even start with this movie?  Kennedy is awful.  Him dressed up as The Mask is like a disturbing cartoon version of a child molester.  His scene where he f*cks his wife as the Mask is truly disturbing.  Oh, and because its Jamie Kennedy, he has to have a scene where he is a white rapper.  His scene where he raps “You’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off you” had me slamming my face into the wall.

The baby is the true horror of this movie.  I cannot express to you how creepy and horrifying this CGI baby is.  This baby is more scary than most horror movies of recent years.  It dances, it sings, it contorts in inhuman directions, it cries and cries and cries, and shoots all versions of excrement.  Oh yes, there’s a scene where he pisses a geyser of urine all over Jamie Kennedy!  There’s another scene where he fills Kennedy’s car with vomit!  Oh the hilarity!

The middle of the movie degenerates into a rip off of cartoons from the 50’s.  I’m sorry, an homage. *rolls eyes*  We get a Tom and Jerry routine where the dog (which is in the Mask now) and the baby try to kill each other.  You know, why don’t you just make a cartoon?  It seems like that’s what you wanted in the first place.

How many crappy movies does Alan Cumming have to star in before I stop feeling sorry for him?  He is a charming actor and I wish he would have one role that would really showcase his talent.  But no, he has show his buttcrack and wear buck teeth in this movie.  Oh, and another thing about this movie.  We get waaaaaaaaay too much CGI in this movie.  Transformers didn’t have this much CGI in it.  Again I have to ask: why isn’t this movie a cartoon?  It would be so much cheaper and it would convey all the ideas you wanted to show without spending 90 million dollars.

This movie, this movie just sucks.  This really is one of the worst.  There is nothing good about this movie and the freakish demon baby pushes it way over into god awful territory.  Holy shit, where’s the Tylenol?

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